How Soon Is Laos?

Several years ago I was fortunate enough to go to South East Asia but didn’t get a chance to visit Laos. Spending my time boozing in Bangkok and watching the nightly drunken carnage seemed much more appealing back then. So for this trip I made Laos one of my priorities. From Chiang Mai I was able to book a mini bus and then a slow boat along the Mekong River to Luang Prabang. It would take 3 days and 2 nights which would include crossing the border and spending a night in a town in Laos called Pakbeng. As with all journeys of this kind, the tour operator take you to some tedious stops along the way. In past trips I have stopped at a butterfly sanctuary, an orchid farm, a wholesale jewellers and a perfume factory; each one was indeed as dull as you imagine they would be. We were informed that today we would be stopping at a place called the White Temple. Let me guess; it’s a temple that is white? Oh what banality awaits.

To my surprise, the temple looked more like a Disney palace that a wicked queen would reside in than a place of worship. It was white as the name would suggest with a large pond housing koi carp, an ornate bridge leading to the main temple amid a well kept garden. Though on close inspection, the temple wasn’t quite what I had expected. What do you mean, I hear you cry? Well, firstly to the side of the bridge was an array of sculptured white hands sticking out of the ground that looked like the rest of the bodies had been swallowed up by quicksand. Secondly, was the odd mural that was displayed on the back wall of the temple. Ordinarily, religious sites have icons and imagery which relates to that particular religion. I have never been in such a place that has images of Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, Michael Jackson, Elvis or Homer Simpson portrayed on it’s plaster. Bizarrely it also had a picture of the World Trade Center burning. Lastly, and the most disturbing, was seeing plaster cast heads hanging from a nearby tree. No ordinary heads; they depicted evil icons such as the devil himself, the bloke from Hellraiser and even Freddie Krueger. First time I have ever left a temple scratching my head in bewilderment. But hey, made a pleasant and much more interesting change from seeing how perfume is made.

The evening was spent in town close to the Laos border. At the crack of dawn, I was off to enter the ninth country of my journey. It was quite painless to exit and enter the border control except that the Laos passport inspector had stamped my passport with the wrong exit date. Most border patrols are extremely regimented and precise and Laos of course was no exception. They took my passport and simply crossed out the wrong date and wrote the new correct date in biro. How efficient. Once everything was sorted, all new entrants had to take a tuk tuk to catch our slow boat for the next part of the journey. All backpacks were placed on top while we were all huddled in the back like a pack of battery hens. Over bumpy roads we went and a wooden bridge that looked weaker than Superman around Kryptonite. Then there was the thud. Two of the backpacks had fallen off the top. Three guesses whose bag was one of them. My luck strikes again. And double bad luck; one of my straps on my bag broke. I had no breakables inside thankfully but annoyingly it was the strap around my waist that would stop my back from breaking.

The boat to take us downstream was a long wooden vessel that had enough seats to transport around 50 people. Although by the time of departure, around 20 locals had clambered on board too along with 2 motorbikes and bags and boxes of provisions. Fingers crossed this would be able to float and not sink into the Mekong. The boat huffed and puffed along the river past little villages and even tinier beaches. The boat arrived in Pakbeng around 4pm after about 6 hours cruising. From there it was an uphill hike to find accommodation for the night. Perfect that my waist strap on my backpack had busted earlier. Checked into a nice hotel with a comfortable duvet, a hot shower and wifi. It felt like the Savoy in comparison to some of the places I have stayed in. This is also where the beginnings of our little travelling group started. I met a Danish guy and a German girl on the boat and then our numbers increased with the addition of 2 English girls. The group rose to 7 when 2 lads also from England joined our ranks. The 7 of us sat on the slow boat the next day for 8 hours on hard plastic chairs next to a group of older French tourists who talked so much I was astounded their lungs had the capacity to do so for that amount of time. The scenic caves as we crawled into Luang Prabang made up for the numb arses we all had from sitting on patio furniture for so long.

After yet another tuk tuk ride, we made it into the city centre. We found a hotel and stayed there for 3 nights. The best thing about the hotel was the 3 month old jack russell puppy that greeted us in the reception. So cute. I guess the puppy overshadowed the fact that the rooms were in worse condition than Paul Gascoigne’s liver. The waterfall we visited about 20km outside the city was great. Different levels of water cascade down forming beautiful pools that allowed us the opportunity to swim and cool off from the brutal Laos sun. Poseurs dived off the top rock ensuring their girlfriends, and probably other people’s girlfriends, were watching. Fortunately none of them fell and cracked their skulls open on the rocks below. That would have been a tragedy. Oddly, there was also a black bear refuge centre in the vicinity. Around 8 large mammals are resident there being rehabilitated from various injuries and incidents. An added bonus to see these beautiful creatures.

One evening , we ventured out on the town. Firstly to a bar that the majority of backpackers went to called utopia. We ate there which was a mistake because the food was worse than Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting. The bar closed around 11.30pm as there is a curfew in Laos. However there is a solution to this problem. The bowling alley. Tuk tuks wait outside to transport us all to the only place that serves alcohol after closing time. Our driver took us there and said he would come back later to pick us up. Fine. We entered the building to be confronted by a giant hall that had such bright fluorescent lighting it looked more like a pharmaceutical lab than a bowling alley. The place was packed full of backpackers. Drunk and very drunk backpackers. The 7 of us picked a lane and actually bowled. I was awful; hitting the gutter continuously. But the lanes next to us were way more entertaining. On our right, drunken English and Irish girls were stumbling around barely able to stand let alone bowl. Their speech was so indecipherable I thought they were speaking in tongues. To our right was a silver haired older guy wearing glasses and a canary yellow polo shirt. He was bowling with 2 young Laos lads in their early twenties. Every time one of the lads made a good score they skipped and then planted a full kiss on the older guy’s lips. It was captivating viewing.

Though we were all very drunk, the 7 of us outlasted everyone else and we closed the bowling alley. A very proud moment. 2am we stuttered out the hall and into the Luang Prabang night. We grabbed the first tuk tuk we saw and began our journey back. A few hundreds yards down the road, we spotted our tuk tuk driver that brought us to the bowling alley hours earlier. We stopped the vehicle we were travelling in, jumped out and piled into the other one. Why I don’t know. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Though I know one tuk tuk driver who would beg to differ. Sorry, mate.